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09-04-2006 04:12 AM

I've been on hiatus. I apologize. I have had some important things to do. It's classified information, really, but I can assure you of one thing: dogs can get into Heaven now.

So I got settled back into my garage apartment last night and I was cruising the tube. Did you know that Bravo! has become the official gay channel? I think it's great. Naturally, a shining gay icon was on, and it was one of my favorite comediennes (no, not Margaret Cho): Kathy Griffin. That bitch is hysterical. When she starts talking about Cirque du Celine.. Anyway, I don't want to ruin the show if you haven't seen it. I want to ask your advice on something, instead. Do you think I could make a viable go at the comedy business? I have watched centuries of it, and I think I may have picked up a thing or two.

I need help coming up with some stage names, though. Christ the Redeemer is just a little too blah, I think.

Suggestions welcome!

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07-14-2006 12:48 PM

So Dad has been on a rampage. What's new, huh? You guys think he's all flowers and sunshine, now, but you don't have to live with this guy.

There's been a breach in border security. All these kids from Purgatory have found this crazy glitch in the system - apparently you can get under Heaven by doing some crazy wall-climbing at the pool under the gates and jumping off of a tower at the top. Dad has had invisible barriers there forever, but apparently someone hacked it and now we have a bunch of Purgatory kids who can see up into Heaven from this weird blank space below it. Frankly, I don't see what the big fuss is. They're not actually IN the city, they're just chilling below it. But Dad is in a tissy about it.

Ugh.

On a lighter note, how come you guys don't leave me comments on my blog? I never get any feedback on what you think!

07-08-2006 03:25 AM

You'd think after having been around for more than two thousand years that I would have very little left to learn.

But women, man, I am telling you what: they're IMPOSSIBLE to figure out completely!

So Mags and I were supposed to go have a quiet dinner in Italy tonight. Apparently she and my mother have something in common - they can't stop themselves from diving into some statue of themselves and weeping out of pure gratitude for the effort put into the making of such an honorable thing. Whatever, I don't do that stuff anymore. I used to, when I was still pretty newly minted. You know, hopping into young girls' bodies to see what the deal was, but they all started bleeding from their wrists or hands and I am pretty squeamish, so I quit that stuff.

Anyway. Mags got caught up in a statue of herself near Vatican City on the way down. That woman would not get out of there. People were freaking out, crying and worshipping and doing all the things that humans do when they're witnessing what they call a miracle (I call it a damned inconvenience, that's what I call it). Dad got wind of things. Mom did, too. Of course, Mom sweeps down and starts lecturing Mags on when and when not to inhabit a statue, but then she gets distracted (I'm not kidding) by a freaking street performer juggling torches. This family is nuts. Dad eventually told Mags and me that if we weren't back home in five minutes he'd ground us for a century. What a pain in the ass.

Mags isn't even sorry. She says her night was great. All I want is a little romance. Can't a brother get a break around here?

Sigh.

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07-06-2006 02:15 AM

I just noticed I am currently the highest rated profile on Zoints! That makes me feel very nice. Very similar to the way I feel when dipping my feet into the healing Black Sea. Or helping a little girl to ride a brand new tricycle - while invisible, of course.

I want to thank my lambs and fans. You are all beautiful. I am beautiful. Everything is beautiful.

We are all stars!

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07-05-2006 10:38 PM

First of all, do you guys think I should start a video blog? I'm thinking about it. Honestly, I'm pretty shy and when I try to get real pictures taken of myself, the camera explodes. You could say those two phenomena are related. I have enough stalkers as it is, anyway. Nevermind. No video blog.

Anyway. I've heard rumors that Lucifer has signed up on Zoints. Satan, if you're reading this, listen up: You ain't pimpin', get off the stage. What is it with you and following me everywhere I go? Are you that eager to get back into Heaven? Dad made you an offer a while back and you "purposefully" screwed that up, so what's the deal? Are you obsessing? Last time you e-mailed me you signed your letter, "PS - I don't really care". You don't care, huh. You don't care and that's why you made a Zoints profile. You don't care and that's why you keep stealing my Prada sandals. You don't care and that's why you tried to get a webcam sent to my garage apartment through some poor soul in Purgatory. GOOD GAME, SATAN, WE HAVE BORDER PATROL UP IN HERE.

I await your response. I hope you have something better than a Nerf gun fight planned this time. It's on, baby.

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